I Lose!

January 27, 2012
Well, I haven't been very good at this Daily Writer thing, have I? To make excuses for myself, Nicole had surgery this week and it hit me in a way I hadn't imagined it would. It pushed every Mom button there is, from the "What Have They Done to My Poor Baby?" button - which also gets pushed when she gets a new tattoo - to the "Watching Someone Else Care for My Child" button, my personal favorite lately!

I'm not sure what the problem is, exactly. I trust that she is in God's hands - Lord, help my distrust! I know that Ken and Brenda are fully capable of taking care of her, again, Lord, help my unbelief! I guess it's just that I am so thoroughly horrified and unnerved by the nature of the procedure done to my baby girl (I know she's 21!), that I just can't calm down. I need to see her and be sure she's okay every hour or so, and I can't.

Anyway, between that and several meetings this week, choir practice, and sleeping 11 hours one night, I've had no time to blog. 

I'm also finding that this book is for a different kind of writer than I am. It seems to be for someone who writes for a living, or writes with great aspirations of being a Writer. You know, fiction, and publishing, and all that. I just want to set my thoughts and feelings down on a page, be it real or virtual. My writing is all real writing, not fiction. And based on the last couple of exercises in the book, I'm not so sure I'm very good at fiction, even if I wanted to be! (No, I'm not fishing!)

February 12, 2012
(to continue where I left off . . )
What I am good at is getting my life experiences out there so that others can learn from them, whether it be a successful lesson, or a mistake that I've made, been convicted of, and fixed (I hope!).

Here's what's been going around and around in my heart lately:

1. "They" say that you have to get moving doing what you want to do and then if your course is the wrong one, God will correct it. I say that I have spent too much of my life listening to "them" and correcting course, and too little time listening to what God wants of me FIRST, then stepping out in faith toward that goal.
2. I'm empty-nested. Really truly. I no longer have a family to come home to at night. Well, that only took me a year to realize. I don't know what I actually thought was going on, but never that! Silly me... But now that I've realized it, I have to deal with it. And it's lonely. And, while I don't feel abandoned, exactly, there is a big hole there that needs to be filled. Don't mistake me: I know that God is here and he has been very comforting to me. And don't be ridiculous, a dog is NOT the answer! (Nor any other kind of pet!) I think it's just something I have to get used to and it's part of the next thing.
3. Jesus says "Love your neighbor as yourself" but I say "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If I treated other people the way I treat myself, I wouldn't have a friend left!" So how do I go about learning to love someone who, for most of her life, has been told: "you're not lovable", "you're not enough for me", "you're not worthy", and "I have no problem simply walking away from you"? (Never in words, only in actions...)

My first response to all of the above was "I need a vacation", followed closely by "yeah, how's THAT gonna happen?" I told God that I think I need to get away, with time to just be alone with Him and work through some of this stuff. I didn't know how to do it, but if He would make it happen, and make it somewhere sunny, I'd really appreciate it! (This is the first year in my whole life that I've been affected by the lack of sunbeams here in beautiful Washington!)

So God sends my friend Marilyn, who hears my plight and offers to let me help her drive to Phoenix at the end of March! I will drive with her down to the land of endless sunshine, get dropped off with my best friend, Sue, and spend the week. All I have to do is get the time off and get my flight home. DONE!

Sue will have to work that week, which is perfect, because while she's working I can spend time working through things with God. Then I'll fix dinner for her and her boys (which I love to do), and Sue and I can gab ourselves silly until bed time! Sounds perfect to me!

But this goes much deeper than just a week-long vacation and then everything's better. I'm planning on slowly making some major changes in my life. The first change is something that I've been hearing God say for a while and I think I'm finally listening closely enough to do it: When I want to do something I will pray about it until I get a solid "yes" or "no" from God.

I have once again got myself in a place where I am so busy I don't even see anything at home but my bedroom for sometimes a week at a time. I don't know how this keeps happening, but I suspect it has something to do with wanting to fill my time so I don't have to be alone with myself, and face the reality of being alone. (Yes, I know I now have a roommate, but our paths don't cross that often. And I need to learn to fill my time with God, not another person.)
So, at the prompting of God, I am letting what I am committed to do run its course, then I am putting my plan into action - but beginning to pray about it all now. This includes:

• Bible Study (already stopped going, but am still working the study, and will be done in April), 
• Condo Association Board President (May),
• Apologetics Seminar Team Registration Coordinator, with Allen Creek Community Church (May),
• MVCC Women's Ministry Team (May),
• Choir (June),
• Prayer Shawl Ministry Team leadership (as soon as we decide on a new leader)

There are three things that I will continue: mentoring a younger lady in the church, starting a book club with a few ladies at church (will meet once every month or two), and crocheting Prayer Shawls (meets twice a month). These are things I feel called to do.
You never know, God may want me to do some of the other things and allow me to go back to them (choir!), or He may want me to have a season of rest.

The second change will hopefully result from spending time with God, basking in His love for me, letting it rub off so that I will love me too. I need to love myself enough to start eating right. I'm not even talking about losing weight, I'm just talking about not eating the foods I'm allergic to. This may seem like an easy step to some of you, but with the activity level in my life lately, I haven't been taking time to make meals for myself. And when you are allergic to dairy, soy, eggs, nuts, and wheat, it's hard to find fast food that's okay to eat. Did you know that everything at Taco Time but the soda has soy in it? In fact, 75% of the foods in America have soy in them (based on something I read somewhere...). This means I have to really be careful if I am to love myself in this way. Thank you, Lord, that none of my allergies cause serious reactions.

I did take some time last weekend to make several meals and freeze them, so I have a couple of weeks' worth in the freezer. One step at a time! And then maybe, just maybe, I'll feel well enough to start doing some other things to take care of myself. We'll see. I think these things are probably enough to start with, don't you?

I almost forgot: The contest is still on!
For 15 points: Who is my (Sharon's) favorite Disney actor? (Could be a person who acts in regular films, could be a person's voice in an animated film...)