I wish I had known you better. Looking back as an adult, I can see why you thought that I didn't want to see you anymore. But you were wrong. I was only thirteen and no thirteen year old wants to be with her parents when there are friends to be with and adventures to have. And especially when that parent lives far enough away that I couldn't have a normal life on "your" weekends.
But you should have kept trying. I wish you had been aware enough to figure it out. You were the adult; I was only a kid - even if I was the oldest. And by the time I was old enough to value time spent with you, you had other interests and other people who were more important to you.
I know we had some good times together over the years, especially out at Greenwater. That was the place I loved most to be. I felt safe there, and comfortable, and secure. I wonder why THAT was the place I felt most secure, don't you...?
It was only an old mildewing double-wide trailer, but I loved it. It was wonderful to have the family there, playing cards, laughing, eating, carrying on. But even there, you would go meet your friends rather than spend time with us. Didn't you know that you were the reason we were there?
Did you know that most of your friends didn't even know you had children? How do you never mention your five children to your friends??
Anyway, I'm not writing this to accuse you, but to let you know that I learned something from your actions. And I was able to save another man from making the same mistake with his kids.
I'm glad that you are a Christian and that I will see you again in heaven. I hope to let you know that I have forgiven your shortcomings and that I hope you will forgive me for not trying harder when I was an adult. I also want you to know that any wounds I carried from my childhood have been healed. God is so good. He is now the father to me that you didn't know how to be.
And I wish I had told you that I loved you that last Christmas. It was on the tip of my tongue and I didn't have the nerve to say the words. Because, you see, we don't say that in our family. It might make someone uncomfortable.
You'll be happy to know that I tell my kids I love them all the time. And they tell me the same, no matter who can hear them.
I wish you were here to see what fine young people your grandchildren have turned out to be. And I wish you had known what outstanding people all five of your children are. I think you caught a glimpse but were afraid to get too close, and that makes me sad.
I don't really know what else to say. You missed a lot. And I did, too.
I hope heaven looks just like Greenwater. I'll see you when I get there, Dad.
I love you,
Sharon
SO so so sad, Sharon!
ReplyDeleteMy dad never told us he loved us, either, not in our childhoods, anyway. We were all 5 of us adults before he told us. What made him tell us was that he thought he was on his death-bed. He was in intensive care for 6 long months and he was not supposed to survive even a few days. For the first month in there he couldn't speak, but he could scribble on a notepad if someone held his hand, and that was the first thing he wrote, "I love you all." See, when he was dying, that was the one most important thing that he had to get out FIRST. After he could speak again he told us that every day. It was awkward for us at first. We just didn't say that in our family, either, like yours. By the time Dad recovered enough to leave the hospital after half a year, we were all saying it to each other comfortably, and still do to this day, 19 years later.
Sorry to post a long story in your comments, lol.
I'm so glad you were able to hear those words form your Dad! What a blessing!!! I love hearing that!
ReplyDeleteOh, he's still alive. I just realized I made it sound like he wasn't. He never lets a phonecall or a visit end without telling us now. :)
ReplyDeleteGood thing I'm not at work, Sharon, cuz if I was, I'd be crying for sure and you would have broken Rule #1 again! :) I love that you acknowledge Dad's inability. I truly think he was as stunted as he raised us to be. Luckily, we were able to break through it. I think he could've too, if he hadn't relied so much beer to get him thru each day. Good letter! Lots to talk about when we see him again! :) Love you, sistah!
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